The Towel and the Fighting Mail

 Once upon a time, there was a towel named Purple. He was a good towel, thick, and always ready and willing to rub people dry. But Purple was unhappy with his life. Whenever he wasn't being rubbed against naked people, he was simply left hanging, and he did not enjoy this part of his life. So he decided to set sail to a far away land.

 Did I mention he gets rubbed against naked people?

 A lot.

 He wanted to visit a land where everyone was naked all the time. Maybe some underdeveloped country in Africa. But how can a mere towel get all the way to Africa from an apartment in New Jersey?

 He had to plan carefully. Being made of fabric, he was prone to getting carried off by the wind or picked up by a bird and used in its nest. Although, birds are usually naked.

 Then it came to him. He'd simply mail himself there. He could claim it's some kind of charity thing for poor naked kids who have no towels to dry off with.

 So it was settled. But first he had to tie up some loose ends. He had to make sure his current owner never came looking for him.

 In the dead of night (the time when towels are most alert) he snuck up to his master. He peeped his little corners up over the bed and saw the rise and fall of the chest. He smelt his familiar perfume... a mix of hairy biker and cross-dresser. He'd always hated that smell. Purple leapt upon his master's face and squeezed tight. The struggle didn't last long. His last words were 'not you, too, towel!'

 Once that was sorted, Purple slinked away and rolled himself in envelopes and stamps. He'd never been to that 'How to Post a Letter' class that all the other towels had gone to. He'd skived off that day, because, as we can see from what Purple had just done to his master, he was a bit of a badass and didn't take nothin from nobodies.

 Someone found him lying on the roadside and helpfully posted him. And so he entered the world of the postal service.

 It was dark. Too dark. He'd never imagined envelopes let so little light through. But then, having no eyes meant he didn't mind the dark that much anyway.

 He hadn't felt any movement for some time. He must have been at the post office.

 He called out, "Is anybody out there?"

 There came a voice. "Hello, good sir. I'm very much out here."

 "Who are you?" asked Purple.

 "The name's Snuffles. I'm a teddy bear."

 "What are you doing here?"

 "I'm being shipped to a little girl for her birthday by an out-of-touch grandmother who's never even heard of Nintendo."

 "Is anyone else here? I don't want you to be the only person to talk to the rest of the night."

 "I guess that's my cue," said someone else in a deeper voice. Or else it was still the teddy bear doing an Elvis impression.

 "And what's your story?"

 "I'm a paper clip. Straight from eBay."

 "Who'd buy a single paper clip from eBay?"

 "Someone who needs only one, I guess."

 'Hmm....' thought Purple. 'That could be true... or maybe, it's someone who's planning to rob a bank by unpicking all the locks with a paperclip.... It's a plot! Oh my god, I've got to stop them! This is my calling!'

 'Listen to me you two!' he said aloud.

 He could hear they were listening.

 'This clearly means there is a plot to rob a bank! Using a paperclip, and possibly you too, Snuffles! We must stop this. Paperclip, what is your military training?'

 'Not much...'

 'And you, Teddy?'

 'I'm fully qualified.'

 'Awesome. Then you must act as paperclip's guard. Follow him wherever he goes. And if anyone tries to rob a bank with him, take them down.'

 'Righto. And what about you, Purple? What will you do?'

 Purple raised his head dramatically and looked where he imagined the stars would be (which was actually the floor). 'I?' he paused, to make things seem more dramatic like in a film, or to make himself really really annoying, either one. 'I will dry that bastard so dry he'll turn to dust.'

 Purple and Snuffles managed to evade the posties trying to post them to the right places, and followed paperclip to his destination.

 The man who had ordered the paperclip was a nervous type, a bit like a gerbil Purple's master once had. He seemed to have a thing for stationery. And he just so happened to work at a bank.

 His name was Hideous Wussington. He dressed in his only suit every day and told people he was a banker, when he was, in fact, a janitor for the bank. Not even the head janitor. More like a janitor trainee.

 He drove an old Volvo station wagon that was about as crappy as a car gets. The only door that could open was the back seat door on the passenger side, so he had to crawl over the seats to get in. Or at least he would if he had any seats. He sat on a 10 gallon paint bucket suspended from the top of the car, because there wasn't a floorboard either. He could see the road beneath him when he drove. And of course the radio was stuck at maximum volume on a Mexican music station.

 Hideous put Clippy in his pocket and drove to work. Purple and Snuffles followed discreetly while humming the Mission Impossible theme song. Turns out they actually duet pretty well together.

 When they arrived at the bank, they had plenty of time to get in position before Hideous could get out of the car, because he had to go very slowly to not disturb the hornets' nest hanging over the back seat.

 When the perp got to the stairs, Purple wrapped himself around his legs, causing him to fall down to the next floor where Snuffles was waiting to do his part.

 Snuffles was trained to kill a man in 20 different ways with just his thumb, but in this time of panic, the only thing he could remember was the advice his diving instructor always gave him: "Remember: Tuck your knees in and close your eyes."

 So that's what he did. And it worked. Hideous Wussington was dead. Very, very dead.

  

 'Let's check him for evidence,' said Purple.

 So they rummaged through his pockets.

 Clippy came across a 'To Do List' written earlier that day.

 It read:

 Buy apples

 Phone mum

 Use new paperclip on Janitorial report

 Find a girl who loves me for ME

 Watch Jezzer Kyle

 'EEEWWW!' said Purple. 'I nearly felt guilty then for murdering an innocent. But this guy was planning to watch Jeremy Kyle. We've actually saved the world a little bit here today, fellers.'

 And so they all went arm in arm proudly from the bank, while Hideous's blood ran out all over his freshly mopped floors, and bought themselves a big well-earned lunch.

 THE END