DiscomBobulated

  Bob sat on his chair. His chair didn't like it, but it didn't have the wherewithal to defend itself.

 He was thinking some thoughts. Suddenly the chair decided it sure as hell did have the wherewithal to defend itself, and collapsed underneath him.

 'JESUS CHRIST, MY TAILBONE!'

 Like Newton and his apple, the knock to his body suddenly made him a total genius. So he invented a teleportation device.

 That pretty much used up his brilliance, like a car running out of blinker fluid*. So he only used the teleportation device to go to the kitchen to get beer and back to his chair (which was now just a pile of wood and vinyl on the floor) to watch TV.

 Someone knocked on his window, because knocking on doors is so cliche, man.

 He put his head to the sink and said, "Hello? Can I help you?"

 The sink told him to piss off.

 So he pissed in the sink, to teach it a bordering on ironic lesson. Then he went to answer the window. It was a bee. It said its name was Humphrey and it needed more honey plz.

 He took the bee to the supermarket. But while in the car, they got chatting. Turned out they had a lot in common. Bob managed to glance subtly through his eyelashes at its bee parts, and saw that it was a real female girl bee.

 Bob built up the courage to take his chances. I mean yeah it was a bee, but a man's gotta be a man, right? Right?

 He did the ol' arm over the wings trick. Humphrey was so alarmed that she stung him and promptly died.

Bob was beside himself. What had he done? He bought 50 jars of honey to use to build a kind of bee-shrine-memorial in her honour.

 After he purchased the honey, Bob took the long way home through the woods. He stumbled over a mushroom and spilled honey on himself.

 "Aw, man. I spilled honey on myself," he said.

 He came across some baby bears. He picked them up and juggled them.

 They got stuck all over his sticky self.

 He couldn't remove the bears, so he just continued walking while they cried for their mother.

 "I sure am glad to be alive," he said. "Being dead sure would suck. It would be the end of my life as I know it."

 And then, just when it seemed he was home free, a dragon flew down and ate him whole.

 "Haha. Expectations subverted," chortled the dragon.

 While he was inside the dragon's stomach, he had something of an epiphany. 'I shouldn't hate on this dragon,' he thought. 'These are my last few minutes before the stomach acid gets me, they should be filled with love not enmity.' So he opened his many jars of honey into the dragon's stomach, to make it all yummy inside.

 But instead of making the dragon go all warm and fuzzy and loving as he had intended, it turned out the dragon had a dreadful allergy to honey. It puked its guts up, which sucked for the dragon, but you know, we get our guy back.

 'Yaaaaaaaaayyyy,' said our character, whose name I've forgotten.

 Bob

Oh yeah, Bob.

 He felt like his next move should be to take a trip to the seaside, because he wanted to juxtapose honey and the sea cos they totally didn't go together.

 So he went to the sea and juxtaposed the hell out of it with his honey. The poor sea couldn't walk for days.
 

The end

*It’s funny because turn signals don’t use fluid.