Mikey's Del Sol

One night Mikey was lying there trying to sleep, when he thought 'sleep is for losers', and climbed out of his window into the street. He was just wondering what he should do with his freedom, when...

 

A gang of suspiciously innocent-looking black teenagers approached him. He put his hand on the gun in his pocket, just in case.

"Excuse me, sir. Would you like to buy 40 copies of our Bible?"

Mikey knew this scheme. First they get you to buy stuff, then they convert you to their religion, then they rape you and dump your body in the river. He wasn't having any of that nonsense, no sir. 

So, he did the first thing that came into his head, and threw up on them then ran away. Some people would say that this defense tactic was not very good, but Mikey thought it superb. Either way, he got away without any rape whatsoever. 

As he was running he realised that one of the Bibles had somehow attached itself to his jumper, like it had a mind of its own. Mikey panicked, swerved, and fell over his own feet. He yelled and fell into the river.The river smelt wet and unfriendly. It was as rough as a homeless guy and Mikey was soon swept under its surface. But rather than finding himself at the river bed he found himself upside down and inside out in another world.

This worried him greatly, because now his heart and other organs were exposed to the world.

He hadn't had a bathroom break in hours, so he tried to take a leak, but the pee just filled him up because he was inside out.

The Bible had gone with him and was already raping poor Mikey. This was nothing new to him, as he was raised in a christian home.

He went walking for hours along a dirt road until he found a farm house. He knocked on the door and an old man with a straw hat answered.

"Sir, may I stay the night here? I'm lost."

"Sure ye can, friend. You can share a room with my three sons."

"Excuse me, farmer, but I'm in the wrong joke." Mikey exited stage left.

Mikey searched and searched for some way to get himself the right way out again, but the only thing he could think of would be to go back through the river. However, the season changes in this world were pretty instant, and it was now summer and the river had dried up.

He tried to think what else had the same effect as a river...

'Maybe,' thought Mikey, 'I could take a reealllly long shower.'

This plan proved horrific, as taking a shower when you are inside out and upside down is not a pleasant experience.

After scolding his insides so, Mikey thought it best just to live with his defect. He convinced himself the only way forward would be to look for a wife who was also inside out and upside down, so that they could live happily ever after and spawn freakish looking children.

He soon came to the conclusion that, since there were no inside out and upside down women, he would have to create one...

Never much of an expert on genetic engineering, he started by buying some legos. He labored tirelessly for weeks in his laboratory that he had now for some reason. Finally it was done and a bolt of lightning hit the squareular body.

"It's alive!" shouted Mikey.

However plastic doesn't do well with hot things, so it melted all over the table. It took him even more weeks to scrape it all up.

Mikey had a better idea. If he could just get some woman to trust him enough to take some Valium, he could just turn her inside out. Perhaps he could gain her trust by selling her a bible.

He pulled the bible out of him, which was still raping him furiously, and gift wrapped it.

 

Poor Mikey has not been very lucky in this story so far, so it probably won't surprise you to learn that the next stage in his life was equally farcical. For now that the Bible no longer raped him, it instead raped his wife.

9 months later, she gave birth to children that were religious to a fault, had paper skin, and crucifixes on their foreheads like those gang members in the 80s. Since they looked so part of a cult, they chose to go with it, and moved to 14th Century Italy. They lived underground, feeding off rats, and every now and then would venture up into the outside world to steal away innocent virgins and convert them to their weird paper religion.

 

Just when the story was starting to get too weird, Pat Sajak came out of fucking nowhere. "Welcome!" said Pat. "Are we ready to play..." "WHEEL, OF, FORTUNE!" said the audience.

Next thing Mikey knew, he was standing in front of the wheel with his mutilated wife and oldest deformed child in front of an audience of 40,000 old people.

"Let's have the first puzzle!"

__ __ ______

"Category is: offensive encouragement. Malformed, nameless wife, you spin first."

She did so. The wheel went around and landed on Vacation to Real World.

"Holy crap, wife, this is what I want! I can get back home! Just don't screw it up. You have to get at least one letter to get it."

"Ummmmm.... X!"

RRRRNK!

"Sorry, there are no X's in the puzzle. Put it back."

Next the kid spun and he landed on Even More Fucked Up World vacation.

"Don't guess the right letter, son! Please, I'm begging you!"

"Ummmmmm... I'd like to solve the puzzle."

"Sure," said Pat.

"Do it, faggot!"

"That's correct!"

Mikey had enough of this crap. He reached out and grabbed the one to get him back home and ran. Everyone chased him, just to heighten the drama of the moment.

After about 4 minutes beyond the point anyone watching the movie adaptation of this lost interest and went to get popcorn, he finally found the river he came through years ago. He clutched his vacation thingy tight and jumped in, holding his breath...

 

Mikey and his freakish family were spun round and round like they were in a washing machine. Then they were spat back out into the real world. Mikey looked around him.

'Mon Dieu, wife!'

'What? I wasn't turned inside out by going through the river; you turned me inside out. What makes you think the river would solve all my problems?'

So Mikey was stuck with an inside out wife and freaky paper religious children.

'What am I going to do about this...' he thought to himself. 'I mean, dang, for an inside out woman she's still pretty hot.' So Mikey, based on this logic, determined to set things right and find a way to restore her to normal.

He wrote the children off though, since they were a lost cause. He got them adopted by a Swedish farmer and they spent the rest of their lives tending to goats.

While they were in Sweden, they managed to find a crazy scientist, with the hair that indicated him to be so, who said he could turn wife outside in again.

 

"It is a simple process," he said in a hilarious Swedish accent that doesn't come through very well in text. "First I'll do a bunch of scientific and vaguely witch doctor-ish things in this boiling pot here."

"Okay, that's done. Now I just need you to write your wife's name down on a piece of paper and throw it inside."

"Uh.... I... don't actually know her name," Mikey whispered to the scientist.

"So, ask her."

"Yeeaaaahhh... about that. See, that would be kind of embarrassing to ask now."

"Hmm. I see what you mean. My wife actually castrated me just for forgetting her favorite ninja turtle."

"I could just take a guess. Would that work?"

"Sure, if you guess right. If you guess wrong, it'll turn her even more inside out."

"... Wouldn't that put her back to normal?"

"Hmm. You're right. Let's do it."

So Mikey wrote "Boofiliya" on a piece of paper, because she looked like a Boofiliya. They threw it in the pot and his wife turned into Marilyn Monroe.

"This actually couldn't have turned out any better," said Mikey. So he took her home and had semi-consensual intercourse with her for many hours in a row.

The end.