Noremac's Odyssey

Once upon a time, there was a little trickster named Noremac, who used to love turning tricks, just like a prostitute. Then one day...

He tripped over an ellipsis and broke his teeth.

So the Tooth Fairy rushed him to the toothyologist, who lacked a degree in dentistry. This was a mistake that not even a wolly would make. The toothyologist proceeded to...

make poor Noremac fill out about 270 pages of insurance forms. Meanwhile he went into the back room and got high off laughing gas and did shots off the Tooth Fairy's navel.  

Then Noremac came up with a cunning plan. He thought to himself: "What is a toothyologist's one weakness?" A lightbulb zinged over his head. He rushed to the Toothyologist with his 270 pages of insurance, and gave the Toothyologist 270 paper cuts. 'Oh no, my one weakness, paperwork!' screamed the Toothyologist.

The Toothyologist promptly melted. Then the Tooth Fairy faded away because Noremac killed off the last person who believed in her. As he now had the office to himself, he went around looking for suckers and stuff to take before he left. Unfortunately they were all sugar free.

Before Noremac could make his escape, the police arrived outside the door. 

"Oh, crap. The popo!" They came in just as he was flushing several white, powdery things down the toilet. Turns out they were actually there to arrest the owner for not paying his taxes. So Noremac just whistled nonchalantly as he left.

 Just then, he himself got sucked into a toilet and flushed down. He swirled and swirled and just when he thought he couldn't take any more he found himself...

in his grandmother's house. But this wasn't right. She'd been dead for 15 years. Yet everything was as it had been when he was a boy. He looked around for suckers to steal.

 Just then, his grandma walked in with a tray of Grandma cookies. Only she looked... young! 

 'Wow, my grandma is hot,' thought Noremac. 

 Apparently he said it aloud, for his Grandma then looked up and said 'Oh, hello young man, how did you get in here? I am rather hot, shall we open a window?'

Noremac knew at this point it had to be a dream. Which meant a fight was sure to break out at any moment. "Might as well get it over with," he thought. He ran and performed a drop kick on his dear, young granny.

To his intense surprise, she responded by parrying his kick and getting him in a Nelson headlock. 'Wow, Grandma, when did you learn to fight and be hot?' 

 'Grandma?' she asked.

 'Oh no,' thought Noremac, 'I've been rumbled!' So he quickly melted out of her headlock and through the floorboards to escape the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck in a sticky bun. He found himself in a cellar full of wine and rats. He said 'Hi' to the rats.

 "Shut up!" said the rats, apparently drunk. "I once knew a guy! You look like him! But he wasn't either...." 

Truth be told, Noremac was still aroused from seeing the hot granny upstairs, and nobody was looking...

So, to take his mind off his incestuous thoughts, Noremac joined the rats in their drunken merriment. Once the room was starting to look like two rooms and his hands didn't seem to listen to what he told them to do any more, he began to ponder upon his life. He became aware that, since this story began, all he ever did was do things. Yet he never had any thoughts.

  'I'm not a real person!' Noremac suddenly wailed to the rats.

But Noremac wasn't content to just fade from existence just because someone decided to stop writing him. Just then, a black guy with sunglasses came in and offered him a red pill or a blue pill. He neglected to mention which did which, though. 

The guy in sunglasses looked strangely like Noremac's brother, Cameron, when he wore sunglasses. Noremac thought carefully about this for a while. Then he announced, with a certain level of dignity, 'I choose both!' He tore both pills from the man's hands and gulped them down.

'What have you done?!' roared the Cameron look-a-like.
'Sticking it to the man by not letting you put me in a box!' cried Noremac.

'No, I mean, what have you done?' 

Noremac became aware that having dry swallowed the pills, they were now lodged in his throat in an infuriating manner.

'You fool!' said the man. 'You should never dry swallow pills! Only experienced druggies and people with no throats can do that!'

Noremac bewailed his plight, knowing that he was doomed to spend the rest of his life with an annoying niggling feeling in his throat as if he were going to be sick.  

But Cameroneous had a plan. "Open your mouth," he said. Noremac's mouth was already open, for it never actually shut all the way. Weird birth defect. Long story. Don't ask. So he opened up and the black man prodeeded to pee into his mouth, which Noremac found somewhat repulsive. But it was actually better than he imagined.

Anyway, that still wasn't enough. So he plungered it down. That didn't work either. 

He then decided to call a plumber. But he thought he'd better call around first. He didn't want to get someone who's dodgy and might steal things, or was going to rip him off. Maybe Audrey knows someone.

So he asked Audrey, and she told him to eat a bag of dicks. He didn't know if that was legitimate advice or just sass talk, but it didn't sound helpful either way. At last the sunglasses-wearing schmuck had a brilliant idea. He performed the Heimlich on Noremac. It worked. Problem resolved.

Now back on the road, he had to think how he could become a real boy. It would take some kind of potent magic to get him from imagination to the world of the real. He thought he'd try an appeal. "Hey!" he yelled. "Whoever's telling this story, can you hear me?"
Sarah stopped telling her story and gave Cameron a puzzled look.  

"What?" said Cameron. "You're the one who made him say that, right?"

'Haven't we seen this in a movie, Cam?' she said.

"Yeah, but the copyright's surely expired by now," he replied.
 Then they stopped writing and Noremac disappeared forever, unless they some day make an even crappier sequel.