Some Like It Pot

 

 Once upon a time, there was a chimney pot called Chim. He liked sitting on the tops of houses, towering over the puny humans and being able to see far away lands. But one day, it snowed on poor Chim. It was really thick and cold, and it made his willy shrink. 'This won't do,' he thought. 'I've got to figure a way out of this or I'll freeze to death.' 

  Chim wasn't the type of guy to actually take any action, though. He just complained about things and expected them to get better on their own.

  But a pompous-looking owl appeared in the sky and flew down to greet him.

"Hello, my dear," said the owl. "My name is Freana."

  "Why do you sound like a female? Owls are supposed to always be wise old grandfather figures."

"If we were all males, how have we stayed alive as a race so long? And why do we suck so much at driving?"

  "What do you want?"

  "I've come to take you away to a maaaagical land where snow is warm and rooftops are everywhere."

  "Can this taking me away thing not involve me getting up or doing anything?"

  'Yes, it can. But that's the painful way,' said the owl. So she grabbed him by the delicates with her claws and flew off to the maaaaagical land, Chim complaining all the way.

 When they got there, Chim knew he'd been had. This land wasn't full of warm snow and rooftops at all. It was a labour camp and he was forced to work for evil female owls who whipped him and such, but not in a fun sexual way, just a nasty way.

 He was forced to lug rocks around on chains, with no particular purpose in mind. Oh yeah, other than to build that giant castle that the owls planned to use for their dastardly crimes.

  Chim moved rocks every day for 20 years, except on chimney potish holidays, like Potukkah. The castle was finally complete, towering towerously over all the nearby mountains and basketball players.

 His owl masters planned a housewarming party. They sent out one of those stupid event invitations on Facebook, including to their long-distance friends who obviously wouldn't be coming and didn't really like them that much anyway.

  After everyone arrived, a feather fell from the sky and landed on the castle, which naturally caused it to collapse, or else it wouldn't have been worth mentioning.

 Chim never properly learned masonry, and using mortar between the rocks never crossed his mind.

  By this time the owls were too old to whip him at maximum efficiency. But they were too used to this cushy lifestyle to just let him go.

  So they made him a bargain. If he would wait on them hand and foot, stroke their feathers, cook their meals, clean up their droppings and owl pellets, then they would give Chim access to The Most Awesome Thing.

 Chim had no idea what The Most Awesome Thing was, but he was burning with curiosity to find out. Also, it's not like they were offering a better bargain. If he said no to this, they'd probably just eat him.

  After agreeing to the bargain, Chim was given The Most Awesome Thing.

   

  The MAT came in a long, rectangular box. Chim's mandibles were dripping with anticipation. He tore it open to reveal a lamp on a plastic stripper leg.

 But its glory only satiated him for a few years. Then he got the munchies for freedom. It was time to plan his escape. But it wouldn't be easy.

  After a 'planning escape' Eye of the Tiger montage, Chim had it. He would use the plastic stripper leg lamp. He took it and fitted it to his base, then hopped to freedom. Whenever the owls tried to fly after and peck at him, he'd just switch the lamp on and off and it'd scare them. They were more pussy than owl.

Once he'd hopped away from the owl labour camp, he slowed. Hop, hop, hop went the leg. It echoed spookily. Chim realised he'd strayed into unusual territory. There were lots of rape-looking alleys and fog and rag and bone men. Was this old school London?

  Ha. No, it was hell. He often got those two mixed up.

  His memory was a little hazy, but he was pretty sure you had to be dead to go to hell, and he was pretty sure that was irreversible.

  Had he not really escaped to freedom in such a glorious stylish way as he remembered?
 

 Then he heard Rob Serling's voice over and he knew it wasn't London or Hell. It was the Twilight Zone. He should have known by the crappy special effects and overacting.

 He just had to figure out which episode he was in and then he'd know how to survive it.

 This guy in a hat showed up and was like "Hey I can give you surgery to make you beautiful."

 "But my mom said beauty was on the inside!"

 "You probably misunderstood; her mouth was pretty busy."

 

 Chim ran home crying. But because we're still doing the Twilight Zone parody thing, his house was just a doll house for a giant girl.

 Once he got home, he climbed up the chimney and resumed his position as a chimney pot. He'd rather take snow than evil owls any day. When no one was looking he put a swipe of lipstick and some mascara on, to make himself beautiful. He became the most famous chimney pot in the land, and people came from far and wide to ask him 'how much?'

 The End