Plumbers Don't Tell Lies

In a far off land is a village that has never seen the outside world. Luckily for us its inhabitants all speak English. They were a race of humanoid sheep things called Frizzles. And they lived under the rule of a pretty cool guy name Mario. eh kills Bsower and doesn't afraid of anything.

 But things were about to change. Mario suddenly became not a pretty cool guy. He was, in fact, a pretty not cool guy. He started creating laws that really sucked and made everyone unhappy.

 He made it a law that all cars must have bright orange paint jobs. And pregnant women had to eat only mayo until the baby was born. And if you play an instrument, you had to name it Schmoxanne.

 Obviously this would not stand. It was time someone took action.

 And so, the perfect trio for the job rose to the occasion: Vroom-vroom (an orange car), Sloppy (a jar of mayonnaise) and Schmo (a guitar). They were the perfect trio, because Vroom-vroom could drive them to wherever they were most needed, Sloppy could offer himself up if they were starving on the job, and Schmo, well, he provided the cool image so people actually wanted to support them.

 They did some campaigns, in which they told some really amusing jokes that won't be listed here, so that the public came to love them.

 They were ready to storm the castle that Mario had built for himself from bits of old Bsower, cos he was a hell of a guy. Then, the unthinkable happened. 

 Mario's castle sank right before their eyes. Turns out he built it on a swamp. This was just waiting to happen. You'd think this would be the end of his reign, but he had a clever plan up his sleeve.

 He built another castle on the swamp.

 It also sank into the swamp.

 Then he built a third castle on the swamp.

 And this time it was stolen by gypsies under cover of night.

 Just scooped it right up and carried it off.

 This clued Mario into the fact that maybe he wasn't meant to be an evil dictator. It was time for a career change. Maybe he could be a white collar criminal. It was a brilliant plan. He's dressed as a blue collar worker, so nobody would suspect a thing.

 So he approached our three heroes, who, due to lack of exposition, have just been standing in the same spot for the past several months.

 "Hey, guys, can I see your wallets for a second? I think I left my... baby... elephant... in there."

 Vroom Vroom said, "That's not how white collar criminals work!"

 Regardless, they gave him their wallets and he hopped on a horse and rode off into the distance.

 'Daayuuuuuuummmmmmmmm that guy is good' said Schmo. Then he wapped some sunglasses on and sparked up a fag. He said some more trendy words, too.

 Mario, elated from his first successful white collar robbery, started to plan more robberies. He basically stuck to the same technique and used it the world over.

 Within a year, he was one of the richest men in the world. You wouldn't know it, though, cos he totally didn't brag about it or anything. He only got a few extra houses and a plane and a yacht, and hookers, lots and lots of hookers. He also bought Damien Hirst's diamond skull thingy that I should probably really know the name of. But emotionally, he was still the humble guy at the start of this story who began his life as a dictator in a castle. 

 Yet there was something missing in his life. He may have a few bits and bobs, like that useless skull that he didn't know what to do with now, but what was that when compared to the free fresh wind in his hat or the grass beneath his toes? So he bought the wind and the grass.

 Before he knew it, he had another riot on his hands.

Why does this always happen to me? he wondered. Why does no one love me?

 So there he was, in the middle of a bunch of people. People who were being all rioty. He threw the skull at them, but they kept coming. That was his last hope.

 They captured him and took him away to the stocks. They locked him in and pulled his pants down and gave him a big spanking. Right in front of all his friends. It was so embarrassing.

 After his humiliation was concluded, they took him away to the closest thing they had to a dungeon, which was a porta-potty. He preferred this. Smells didn't bother him, since he lived on a swamp most of his life. The only problem was he had a cell mate.

 His cell mate was named Bubba. He was big and squareular and took up about 95% of the space.

 

 'What are you in here for?' Mario asked.

 'Well, I was meant to be executed for treason, but they couldn't fit my head in the stocks because I'm so square.'

 This got Mario thinking... was there something superior about a square shaped body?

 'Yes,' he concluded. 'Yes there is. If I was squarerular, no one would dare take me on. I'd be like a bouncer.'

But Mario was a practical man, and he realised he had neither the time nor space to work out enough to get a such a body in this porta-loo. So he just used Bubba as a battering ram to make his way out.

It was fairly successful. Although the pota-loo suffered a bit. It was never the same since they burst out of it. Sometimes it would rock itself to sleep at night, or shower for hours at a time trying to get clean and repeating lines from Macbeth.

 Now that Mario had Bubba's body to hand, he could take on the world yet again. He used his old 'there's an elephant in your wallet' trick, and was soon a rich mother again.

 'Nothing can stop me now!' he would scream at the world as he drove by in his convertible.

 Bubba would trail behind being all boxy. His body might be useful in a tightspot, but Mario would never let him travel in the convertible. He said he 'cramped his style'. He let Schmo (who he sent word for) sit in the car, though.

 Sometimes Mario would go to strip clubs and throw money about. Or he'd give candy to children and then take it away again and photograph them crying. Some people would call that art, but when Mario did it, he was an evil bastard.

But one day, when Mario had just photographed the pearly tears of Bubba's own triangular daughter, Bubba rose up.

'Not you, Bubba!' It had never occurred to him that Bubba, his right-hand man and accessory to success, could also be his downfall.

 'Oh, the tragedy!'

 Then Mario hatched a plan to totally make money out of writing his memoirs and selling it to some celebrity obsessed publishing company.

 But contrary to popular convention, his big, dumb brute was the literate one. Mario has no idea what a pencil even looked like. So he told his story in the only way he knew how: putting on a play with sock puppets.

This turned out to be a big hit amongst the stoners of his land, which was all of them.

The money poured in. Then he had a 7/8 life crisis. He already had all the money he wanted. And he had already achieved the state of knowing money wasn't the most important thing. What was left for him?

 "To hell with it all," he said in despair. He went out and bought a lava lamp and watched it in the corner of the local middle school janitorial closet for the rest of his life. Those things are pretty trippy, man.

 The end