Goddesses Should Stay in the Kitchen

Once upon a time, there was a water goddess called Helena. She lived a pretty good life, mostly bathing in ponds and seducing lost men. But one day, just as she was shaving her legs like ones of those girls on the Venus Razor adverts (including the singing), she heard a strange sound coming from her woods. Ever curious, she went to investigate.

 So she hopped in her Lamborghini that she always kept parked on the shore to remind people what century we're living in and drove about 10 feet, where the trees became too dense to drive through. Then she got out and walked inside the woods. The sound grew louder and louder until she found its source. 

 It was a pig. Digging for truffles. It appeared to have been genetically altered to have metal claws for hooves, so it had actually managed to dig all the way to the core of the earth.

 'Well, this won't do,' thought Helena. 'I can't have a pig mussing up my territory.' She began to shoo the pig away, but first, because she was curious, she leant over the tear it had made in the earth and looked into the core. The heat prickled the skin on her face, and at first she couldn't see anything but orange. Then she discerned the shape of a woman clawing her way up the side. The woman was Aneleh, the Fire Goddess.

 Helena's eyes narrowed. This was her long lost enemy, and this meant war. She gripped her razorblade, despite the fact that it was a safety one and unlikely to do much damage.

 Analeh finally reached the surface of the earth. Oh, I get it. It's her name backwards. This thought just occurred to Helena as well. "Very clever," she thought. Analeh was the first to speak. 

"Sometimes my colon burbles," she said. 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"Mommy says the pink stuff will make me feel better." 

From way down in the core the pig said, "That's what she said."

 Helena concluded that Analeh had lost a great deal of her cognitive faculties after all these centuries. She couldn't bring herself to destroy such a helpless enemy. 

"Why don't you come back to my place for some tea?" she asked her.

 "Okay... but only if all the food is red." So they hopped in the Lamborghini and drove to Helena's favourite pond. Helena could only find frogs for them to eat, which Analeh refused since they weren't red. Helena went off in search of some red berries that she could crush to stain the frogmeat.

 But Analeh was not as daft as she acted. This was all part of her grand master plan, in which she stole the keys to the car while Helena's back was turned.

 When Helena returned to the pond with all the red stuff she could find, she found a note in place of her precious Lamborghini: "lol took ur car love analeh." She had no choice but to call a cab and go on a quest to... no, screw it. Just let her have it, she thought. It's time to do something different with my life. I've been in this business so long I've developed tunnel vision. I'm going to follow my childhood dream of being an actress.

 So she went to Hollywood, where all the people she crossed actually made her look subdued. Then she went into some place that lets you just audition for crap right away without months of boring plot details. "Okay," said the lady, "You're playing the part of Lucy and you've just found out that your husband Ricky had a threesome with Fred and Ethel. Annnnd take us there."

 

 Helena was too good an actress for this role. She believed strongly in method acting, and she treated the stage to real emotion.

 She was escorted off the premises after a fierce catfight with Ethel and shoving the script up Fred's arse.  

 Helena wasn't one to give up easily, so she decided to write her own play in which she would be the lead role.

 She did a bake sale to raise funds. It worked pretty well.

 Her secret plan was to actually just buy baked goods from the grocery store and sell them right out front for twice the price. She transformed herself to look like a child. Even Californians are gullible for children.

 She used her fortune to purchase a studio and some actors. That's right, she bought actors. She owned them. Actors are so desperate there that they're literally willing to sell themselves to get a role.

 They held rehearsal every night and before she knew it, it was the night of the big play. Unfortunately, she wasn't very good at marketing and there were only two people in the audience, stuffy men dressed in suits.

 But the acted their hearts out anyway. At the end, the men didn't clap, but informed Helena that she was under arrest for tax evasion, since she didn't report any of the income she got from the baked goods. Thus the goddess of water was taken to federal prison to await trial.

 Helena had learnt a good business lesson for life: hot cakes sell like hot cakes. So, rather than being cliched and seducing the guards (which she could easily have done, cos she was totes hot) she chose to bake her pretty way out of there. After bribing the guards with cake and making her way out the front door, she stood on the street in the Californian heat and wondered what to do with her life.

 "I've lost everything," she thought, "my car, my studio, even my actors. They sold their souls to me, where are they? What happened to my rights?"

 what she needed was a holiday. So she did a bake sale to raise funds. She wondered why people bother with any business other than bake sales, since they're proven to be the most successful way of getting cash. "Prostitutes got nothing on me," she thought smugly. 

 Before she knew it, she was in Hawaii. But that could just be because she took a lot of drugs to get her through the long flight.

 She bought herself a grass skirt and a coconut bra and did the hula. Then she got bored and started looking around for something fun... like something to advance this plot in any way at all....

 Then, at the perfect timing, she started bleeding from several places at once. Then two guys ran up to her making that "Nrrrrr-nooooo-nrrrrrr-noooo" sound with their mouths and picked her up and took her to the hospital.

 After an examination she waited nervously for the doctor to come in and tell her what was wrong. Meanwhile she watched bratty little kids fight over toys they wouldn't otherwise have played with.

 When the mother wasn't looking, she sent a miniature tsunami after them to wash them away.

 The nurse finally came out and called, "Ms Dunderbutt?" How they got her last name, Helena would never know. But she followed her to the back room.

 "How are you?" the doctor asked pleasantly. 

"Um... fine, except for the bleeding and new found desire to wipe out all hospitals." 

"Mm-hmm," he replied, apparently not paying attention. "Have you had many sexual partners?" 

"Oh, I dunno, it's only been maybe 17,000 lost men and the occasional really hot lost girl."

 "Mm-hmm. And did you use protection?" he said, not looking up from his clipboard.

 "Well... no. But it was in fairytale land! Isn't there some kind of exclusion clause for fantastical creatures and their sexual promiscuity? Besides, the goddess of hydrogen peroxide down the street's had like 50,000 partners and she seems fine."

 "Well, I'm afraid you have every STD known to man, plus a few new ones. I'm going to need you to come with me."

 Helena had never been a fan of doctors. She considered her options. She'd never believed in STDs before, and didn't plan on believing in them now. She was sure there was some kind of perfectly logical explanation for her bleeding from every orifice. All there was left to do was deal with this doctor for being annoying and doctorish. She still had the razor blade in her pocket, but it was still a safety blade. Then she had a cunning plan. "I know, I'll infect him with all my STDs!" and so a good time was had by all, right up until the point that the doctor remembered about the STDs (he'd always had bad short-term memory. Like a goldfish, his mamma used to say).

 And so Helena went on her merry way, safe in the knowledge that there was no chance she had any illness whatsoever.

 She met a man on the road whose was name Raoule. He was handsome. She married him. And no, he doesn't get any lines in this story. And just when she seemed set to live happily ever after, she foolishly crossed the street without looking both ways and got hit by none other than Analeh driving her Lamborghini. And because she was the goddess of water, when she died the whole city flooded with water or something.

 The end