The Shoes Maketh the Monk

 Once upon a time there was a pair of red shoes. They had been handcrafted from finest leather by monks who lived in the mountains high up in the clouds. They smelt of leather, surprisingly, and because leather is one of the better smells in the world, the shoes were much sought after, and went on to have a long and eventful life.

 They were first bought by a sweet transvestite, Patrickcia, who climbed the mountain to prove his love to his boyfriend/girlfriend/something, Renando. He brought them back as proof that he had met the monks, but also because they looked pretty hot and would suit Renando's glamourous outfits. Renando was wooed by the gift and they had some pretty hot sex that night. However, the relationship did not last long. Turns out Patrickcia got off with one of the monks after he bought the shoes. Distraught, Renando threw them out of the third story window in his/her anger.

 The shoes waited patiently on the pavement outside under the streetlights, wondering what would become of themselves.

 

  The shoes sat for days. All manner of interesting characters passed by, but none of them stopped. They had better stories to get to. Finally a toothless woman from Arkanhoma found them and grinned a toothless Arkanhoman grin.
 "I gawt me sum  wawkin' apparatuses!" she exclaimed.
 She brought them home to their trailer. It was quite ghetto. Even the concrete blocks supporting it needed supported by concrete blocks. Billy Bawb was inside trying to pick up a channel—any channel—with a butter knife as an antenna.
 "I do say, my good woman, whence came such lavish footwear?" 

 'Nawn a yaw fookin bidniss!'

 She superglued the shoes to her feet, just in case, and propped them up on the coffee table and went 'aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh put the kettle on'.

 That night, Billy Bawb snuck into her room with his butter knife. The Arkanhoman woman sighed and rolled over in her sleep. 'Bunnies,' she said, and smiled.

 Billy lifted the sheets slowly, his toothless grin shining in the moonlight (don't question it). He brought the knife down in a flash of blunt metal and sawed the shoes off her feet.
  'Aaaaewkelwaht eilwa;y joa;'roiewaslkyhnaewl'tj klasjkl;eawj kl;eajklreiytopajt!!!' she screamed. All the birds woke up and flew away screaming from the trees. Billy Bawb held the shoes up by their laces, went 'durp durp' and fled the caravan.

 

  It was well past sunset at this point. The world was dark and foreboding. Yet there was a sense of excitement to it. Billy Bawb could go anywhere and do anything he wanted. In fact, now that he thought about it, he'd never really seen the town at night before. He went to the local high school and played on the playground.
 Little did he know this area had a higher crime rate than Central Park. A group of 10-year-olds who were up to no good started making trouble in the neighborhood.
 The munchkins gave Billy Bawb a savage beating and claimed the glorious red shoes for their own. It wasn't a story he'd be telling his kids some day. 

 

 But Peter and Tony were little munchkins, so they couldn't decide who should have the shoes. They didn't want to share, because that was for pussies. So Peter knifed Tony in the face and claimed the shoes for his own. 'My preciousssss,' she said. Then Tolkein came back from the dead, just for the purpose of suing him. Then he went back to being dead.

  Peter played on the swing for a while, holding his feet out in front of him to admire his shoes in all their glory. Everything else looked grey in the streetlight, but the shoes were still a shameless strumpet red. Like a whore (people can be red, right?)

  It got chilly, so he took a walk. He made his way down the avenue round the back of his house, appreciating the way the new shoes cushioned his feet and made him feel like he could run forever. Then a black cat fell out of a dustbin and into his face. It started hissing and scratching and biting and other ings.

  The cat was actually his sister Rae, transfigured by a witch, trying to communicate with Peter. She figured the best way to get him to understand was to act exactly like a real cat.
 "Aw, geez, get off me! You're worse than my sister!"
 "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow," said Rae.
 Peter gave the cat a kiss to shut it up, because his mom told him every problem could be solved with love. Then much to his surprise she transformed back into his sister.
 That night Rae borrowed Peter's red shoes while he was busy playing his Colecovision. She wanted to wear them on her date tonight with a handsome monk she met on a dating website.

 

 She primped and pouted in the mirror, applying MORE lipstick and MORE eyeliner, because she wanted to look as pure as the dawn (lulwut?) She snuck out of her window, climbing down the tree outside, and laddering her tights in the process.

  She met Humphrey in the graveyard, because that was as close to  getting into a church out of hours as you can get, but also because it makes a spooooooooooooky setting wooooooooooo (ghost noises). 

Humphrey's eye twinkled when he saw her, and not because she looked like a prostitute, but because he saw the shoes he had sought after for so many minutes since Patrickcia bought them off him.

  They sat down at a table and waited to be waited on.
 "So tell me, Rae, what do you do for fun?"

 "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow," said Rae.

 "...Okay."
 They sat in silence for a while. The zombie patrons laughed and enjoyed their evening, which annoyed Humphrey because it reminded him of all the times he was excluded in school by his zombie classmates and zombie teachers. He'd had just about enough of this date. He lunged forward and snatched the shoes and ran off. Rae turned back into a cat, due to a typo in the curse agreement forms. The witch fired her secretary. 

 

 Humphrey continued to do the only thing that could be done with the shoes, to stop their curse of leaving behind a trail of dead or injured people. He fed them to the offspring of the very coat that produced them. He was a monk, so he didn't have any moral quirms about the weird cannibalistic nature of this gesture.

  He sat back, relaxed, sparked up a cigar, and patted himself on the back. Good job, Humphrey.

The End.