Look What the Wind Blew In

 There once was a lizard named Slim Lizzy. She wasn't popular amongst other lizards, because she did a standup comedy routine once and accidentally offended the black lizards. So she made friends with the ants and lived under ground with them. 

 It was all going pretty well, and she made a friend called Adam who was an ant. But soon the ants' weird cultural practices became apparent.

 Late at night, when no humans were looking, they all voted on the ugliest ant in the colony. The unlucky winner was then tied down and tickled with its own antenna until it died from laughter.
 "That's horrible, Adam," bitched Lizzy. "How can you guys let something like that happen?"

 "Jeez," said Adam. "Don't be such a party-pooper. What's so wrong about laughter?"

 "What's wrong is it's only one letter away from slaughter. You should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. Hmph! If anyone needs me, I'll be drowning my sorrows in wedding cake." She slithered off.

 So Slim sought a new culture to slip into. She found a termite mound and gave them a go.

 However, just in the introductions stage it became obvious this wasn't for her.

 "Hi," said a friendly looking termite. "My name's Gjklajgrelbob."

 "Er... I'm sorry, I left a... food... in the oven. Bye."

 "I don't belong anywhere. This cold world and I just aren't compatible. Ooh, that would make a great Livejournal post."
 She sat by the garbage cans and cried, hoping someone would hear her and come cheer her up.

 The wind said, "I still love you!"

 But the wind didn't have arms or a culture she could get hugged by. It was also cold and annoying.

 Just then an eagle swooped down and grabbed her.

 "This is it," she thought. "This is how I'm going to die - by being fed to hungry baby birds."

 The majestic eagle flew at mach 3 towards the magnetic north pole for what seemed like hours. But in what scientists would classify as "one mofo of a coincidence," the eagle was penetrated by a stray cosmic ray and died in mid air. Lizzy fell to the earth, hundreds of miles away from everything she'd ever marked as her territory.  

 It was here that she found a culture to which she belonged. And it involves lots of cute things like baby seals and polar bear pups, yay!! But first, a 5 hours interlude where she watched the aurora borealis (that's the north pole, right?) and totally didn't die of cold being cold blooded and everything.

 "Welcome to our land!" welcomed the elder penguin. "I am Walthrick. I rule this--hey!"
 Lizzy marked Walthrick as her property. He should have thanked her. She didn't understand what he was getting so pissy about.

 Walthrick said he was going for a swim, and he expected her to be ready to apologise by the time he got back. Lizzy din' got time for dat though. She moved on and met a bunch of seals looking all cute and helpless and waiting to be eaten by a killer whale.

 "Hello, dears. What are your names?"
 The cutest of the seals spoke first. "I once picked my nose 'till it bleeded!"

"Did you? Well that's very good. Have this snowball as a reward."

"Yaaaaaayyy!" said the seal. "This is the best day ever!"

 It played with the snowball for half an hour while Lizzy and the adult seals got better acquainted (if you know what I mean, huh, huh? No okay there was no sex).

 They hit it off like a house on fire. That was when the iceberg they were floating on decided to catch fire.

Everyone died in a horrible firey drowny death, except Lizzy who got rescued by the wind.

She checked off 'seals' from her list of possible arctic cultures.

 The wind dropped her on an igloo. She went inside to keep warm and maybe find something 50 times her weight to lift—lizards are showoffs like that. Inside she saw none other than her long last ant friend. It was a heart-throbbing reunion.
 "Adam! What are you doing here?"

 "Ah, Lizzy. I couldn't stay away from you forever." *SMOOCH*

 They built themselves a little igloo on a hill, and lived off snowflakes. Things got a bit confusing when Lizzy got knocked up with ant babies, which grew inside her and would burst through her skin to hatch. But they worked through it. She just got a hell of a lot of stitches, and everyone lived happily ever after.

The End.