My Beginnings are so Samey

There once was a beginning named Samey.

He wasn't very popular because he never did anything different. He just showed up at parties uninvited and ate all the hors d'oeuvres.

He lived in a small apartment in New York. Nobody who lives somewhere that's not New York or LA ever gets a story written about him.

 

One day Samey was stuffing his face with hors d'oeuvres when a suave guy in a suit came and introduced himself.

"Good evening. I'm Differencey." He held out his hand. But then he exploded in a puff of smoke cos of the irony of his introduction being so samey.

Samey kept eating hors d'ouevres. If something good didn't happen soon he was going to get so fat.

              

Just then another suave guy in a suit approached him.

"Good evening. My name is Maximilian Von Shitgrin. I own every oil rig."

"Uh-huh. And why are you talking to me?"

"I just wanted you to know how superior I am. I'll be moving on to better short stories now."

Maximilian went on to star in a Michael Swanwick story. Samey, meanwhile, continued making himself unpopular by stepping on the dog several times in a row on accident.

Finally someone stood up to him.

"Hey, who exactly invited you?"

"Invited me to what?"

"This birthday party."

"Oh, the birthday boy did."

"You mean the birthday girl?"

"Yeah, her. Hot piece of ass, that."

"She's my daughter. She's 8."

"So that’s where she got her good looks."

The guy called security to escort Samey to the nearest dumpster.

               

Samey decided to review his life while he smoked some dumpster pot. After 5 hours of this he came to the conclusion he needed to learn to do parties better. First on his list was to eat a maximum of 3 hors d'ouevres only.

So he crashed another party and put the first phase of his plan into action.

The party turned out to be an eating contest. So everyone thought he was lame and couldn't handle his hors d'ouevres like a real French pansy man.

He got put in the dumpster again.

               

"I can see what's happening here," thought Samey. "No matter what I do it'll be wrong and I'm doomed to be the butt monkey for the rest of my life."

"Well, I'm not going to be entertainment for a bunch of sweaty nerds looking for a cheap laugh. I'm just going to sit right here and have no aspirations whatsoever for the rest of my life / this story."

So he sat perfectly still and didn't even think about accomplishing any kind of goal. No matter what happened to him, he didn't care.

A hot female beginning was suddenly thrown in the dumpster.

Samey looked away with his nose in the air.

"Nope. Can't tempt me."

               

'Well, maybe I can't tempt you. But I sure as hell can rape you.'

So that got some kind of plot progression in that he's now working through his issues with a therapist. And by therapist I mean more pot.

So really not a lot of plot progression.

The next temptation that came along was a chest full of gold.

"The things I could do with that money..." he thought. "I could buy a whole new personality!"

               

He started to reach for it and then stopped himself.

"Oh, no you don't. You're going to have a kangaroo come drop kick me as soon as I try to spend it. I'm not falling for it. If I can just stay boring for a few more minutes you'll give up and I can go back to precious non-existence."

Just then a kangaroo appeared from the sky and took all the gold and spent it on a golden yacht, which was apparently worth less than its weight in gold.

               

Just then Differencey popped back into existence. Cos there was so much irony it was like reverse irony. He bought an iron and earnt a lot of dollar ironing shirts for old people. Samey joined him since he didn't know what else to do with his life now that his plan had failed.

Together they made a great crime-fighting ironing duo.

               

The criminal organization collectively shat itself in simultaneous fear and mockery of this new duo.

When their popularity in the polls started dropping off, the duo hired Adjectivey the kangaroo as a mascot to help the team's image. Adjectivey was all over this idea, since his yacht had recently sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

They established a headquarters at the top of the highest sky scraper in the city because they were all compensating for something.

The mayor called them up and was all like "ahhh we're dying save us blah blah blah" and the duo was all like "there's no need to be sarcastic" and the mayor's all like "no srsly we're dying ahhh help they're stabbing us right now it hurts."

So they reluctantly paused Zombipocalypse II: The Revenging on VHS, jumped in their apathymobile and flew no faster than the speed limit to the scene of the crime.

Meanwhile, down below, two amoebae were playing chess in the park, oblivious to the thrilling climax exploding above them.

“Say, Gary, do you ever wonder if there’s a bigger world out there?”

“Huh?”

“I asked if you ever wonder if there’s a bigger world out there.”

“Oh.”