Flowery Language

Once upon a time there was a little orchid called Paulo.
  
Paulo was just minding his own business, photosynthesizing like a boss. It was a lovely day to be an orchid. The sun was shining, the bees were stinging. Nothing could possibly upset a day like this.
  
But then came along Paulina, the big bad butch chrysanthemum. 'Hey, bitch, you're photosynthesizing on my turf,' she butched.
  
Paulo, of course, didn't understand a word of it, but he could tell from her tone she needed to be put in her place. "Pinchi gringo poota, beunos diaz!" he yelled at her.
  
So Paulina was like 'i ain't no gringo, biatch, i'm orange innit!' and pushed Paulo off the tree he was happily parasiting off. He fell to the ground and writhed about complaining he ain't got no time for dis shit.
  
He'd never seen the ground before. It was nice. Maybe he'd stay down here forever. He could find a girlfriend, get a little apartment, maybe give barber school another try.
It dawned on him that he was being watched.
  
By none other than the Cheshire Cat.
'Helloooooooooo,' said the cat, smiling like a maniac.
'Oh man, I ain't got time for dis,' said Paulo and rolled away into some bushes.
There he found a pretty female girl orchid and made hot sweet love right there and then.
  
Cheshire Cat watched the whole thing. He waited until he was done to reveal the bad news.
"Pauloooo, you ssssick pervert, that is your mother."
Dun dun
"And she's dead."
Dun dun dun
"You're a necrophiliac and a... incestophiliac."
Paulo, still not any better at understanding English, despite having heard it at least twice now, went for another round with his dead mother.
  
The audience went 'ha'.
This was all turning into a rather surreal dream, thought Paulo. Him doing terrible things to his mother and suddenly everyone watching and him being naked.
Any minute now I'm going to wake up.
Except he didn't. This was pretty real and horrific. Well, time to run away and start a new life on the road, he told himself.
  
But how could a little legless flower like him get out of this vast forest?
He did what most people do: He got a dead end job to pay the bills while he continued to make big plans for the future that just kept getting further and further away.
  
Until one day the cops came to his door and said, 'Paulo Mantini?' and he said 'yes?' and they said some other things about his dead raped mother and the short of it is he spent the night in a cell hoping the Cheshire Cat or Paulina would bail him out.
He knew for sure that Paulina had a crush on him, or why would she have abused him and kicked him out of his tree? Surely she would rescue him.
  
Sure enough, Paulina came for a visit. Upon hearing she was in the building, he slicked his pedals back and checked his pistons in the mirror.
She needed help with her algebra homework.
And by "help with her" I mean "him to do her."
After he finished it, she said, "Thanks, Paulo! I owe you one!" and she left.
Ahh, just like the old days, he thought.
  
First they kick you out of your tree, then they make you do their homework, then they leave you. It's the same old story.
So he spent the night being violated by various cell members and longing for the morning.
  
Finally Paulo was let out of his cell, but he wasn't set free. He was taken down the hall and put in a room with a table and two chairs and one-way glass.
He waited for several minutes before a balding man with a sweater came in and sat across from him.
"Hello, Paulo. I'm Dr. Roomba."
Paulo had learned English from his cell mates, so he could participate in the dialogue now.
"Get me out of here."
"I'm afraid we can't let you go until I declare you sane."
"I just got raped in my cell! How could I be sane?"
"How does rape even work with flowers? Don't you need the help of bees to procreate?"
"Flowers can mate lots of ways!" he said defensively. "We just don't go around flaunting it."
  
And so it was that the interrogation turned into Paulo dictating the entire flower version of the Kama Sutra. Dr. Roomba was so indebted to him for the sex tips (he was having trouble with his wife) that he let him off jack free.
The first thing Paulo did was buy a convertible and sunglasses and go gambling and living his life to the full.
So he strolled into a gambling hall one evening in his best tuxedo (he found a money-tree) and sat down to play poker. There were some interesting characters at the table that night.
   
There was a suspicious mushroom named Tommy Two-Eyes, a suspicious starfish named Tommy No-Eyes, and a suspicious septic tank named Tommy I-Got-My-Eyes-On-You-Boy.
They played poker like nobody Paulo had ever seen before. They folded every single hand, no matter how good it was.
 After about an hour, the three Tommies were broke and Paulo had all the money.
"You got some chops, kid," said the fungal Tommy.
"Yeah, you got moxie, kid."
"Yeah, you've got spunk, kid."
Paulo was kind of embarrassed for them. "Hey, let's play something else, eh? Rock paper scissors?"
They agreed.
He couldn't wait to see what strategy they'd come up with this time.
  
It was pretty simple to crack. Fungal Tommy always went for paper, Tommy no eyes went for rocks, and eyes on you went for scissors. Every single time.
So Paulo cashed in that night. He left with three more convertibles and three more pairs of shades.
One of the pairs was really cool, like this pair he once had when he was little that cost $100 and was his favourite thing ever but was stolen.
Now that he remembered the dude who stole his sunglasses, he swore revenge but then he sort of couldn't be bothered so he just went on holiday instead.