Piper at the Gates of Chaun

  The earrings were perfect. Olivia turned her face in the mirror and watched them sparkle.
 

 They were a gift from her plumber. All the suggestive comments had gone over her head, so he thought surely this would tip her off. He'd never learned the dangers of underestimating a 16-year-old girl's density.

 'These are great!' said Olivia. 'So do you want to check out my pipes now?'

 'Ohhhh, mamma,' thought Paul the plumber. 'Yes,' he said aloud.

 'Okay, well there's just this problem with a leaky faucet.'

 '...Go ooonnnn.'

 'So could you take a look at it?'

 She batted her lashes at him.

 Paul followed her into her bedroom, and she showed him to the shower. It was leaking some kind of red substance.

 Disappointed, he took the shower head off and a dead rat fell out into the tub.

 "Ohhhh, that's where I put Muffy! Come here, you little rascal," she said, snuggling it.

 'Great. Even the rat gets more loving than me,' thought Paul.

 In a fury of 'WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME??' he grabbed the rat by the tail and smashed it over his knee. Blood and rat guts went everywhere.

  Just before he turned into She Hulk, he got a text: "Mommy loves you!"

 This lightened his heart a little. Then a leprechaun named Dinx sneaked up behind him and pulled his pants down, which shouldn't actually be all that embarrassing for a plumber used to showing everyone his crack while he worked.

 Olivia cocked her head. With his pants down, she was suddenly a hell of a lot more attracted to this plumber guy.

 But then the leprechaun strolled nonchalantly up to her and said, 'Hey. What's up?'

 Before Paul could say 'quibble', Olivia and the leprechaun had jumped into a Lamborghini and sped away into the horizon, leaving Paul to choke on exhaust fumes and rejection.

 Thus Paul was firmly established as a loser character who will undoubtedly get exactly 0 action in this story, until maybe the ending, depending on how much the audience grows to like him by then.

 He got back in his plumbermobile and put on an 8 track tape of the greatest hits of 1999.

 He was humiliated and past the breaking point. He wanted revenge. It was time to find out if a leprechaun's blood is really green.

 So he picked up the grisliest spare pipe in his collection, donned his murdering hat, and put the pedal to the metal.

 While driving like a mofo, he vowed to stay off women from now on. He refused to have any part in the whole institution anymore. A gay gene slowly sprouted out of his campest piece of DNA (the one that said 'yoohooooooo' to all the other DNA strands).

 After 5 hours of following the trail of Lucky Charms, he took a detour into Las Vegas. Okay, so it was 12 hours out of the way, but it's friggin' Vegas, man.
 He found a couple of homosexual muscular cyborg German dudes selling themselves on the street corner and asked them what the going rate was.

 "Piss off, faggot," they replied.

 "Okay, so even queer men won't have me," Paul said. "Then screw it. From now on I swear off all men and women. I don't need anyone. Happiness comes from within anyway."

 "Oh," pouted a hot girl listening through his window. "I was about to get naked and marry you. Sorry, I'll find someone else." She ran off with another overweight plumber.

 "Dammit!"

 Paul sighed, and continued driving.

 He didn't even feel motivated to kill anymore. But he didn't have anything else to do, so why stop?

 It took a long time, but he eventually tracked Dinx and Olivia down to a scuzzy motel off the highway. The door was locked. He almost stopped before he remembered vengeful murderers probably don't respect 'do not disturb' signs.

 The best way to handle a situation is to use the skills you know to your advantage. So he entered their room by Super Marioing through their pipes and out into their bathroom.

 They were asleep. The leprechaun was snoozing on Olivia's stomach with a satisfied grin on his face, the smug bastard.

 Paul plucked him off and threw him in a bag. Next thing Dinx knew, he was tied to a chair with duct tape over his mouth in the back of a cargo van. He could faintly hear a 98 Degrees song coming from the front.

 "This is payback for all the crap leprechauns put me through in grade school, you little Irish freak," Paul growled, ripping the tape off.

 "Oy'm noot Oyrish! Oy'm oonly a droonk!" Dinx protested.

 'Do you hate the English?'

 'Yes'

 'Then you're Irish!'

 'But everyone hates the English!'

 'Hmmm... good point....'

 So, to cut a long story short, they had sex.

 Olivia, meanwhile, woke up alone. She now had some embarrassing infections from all the interspecies relationships, so nobody would have her. And she had a leaky faucet, but plumbers wouldn't service her anymore, on the count of how she treated Paul.

 Also the next day a whale fell from the sky and landed on her.

The end